Bart Simpson! Bart the One and Only A tribute to Bart Simpson
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Bart Simpson!
I, D'OH-BOT (FABF04) Written by Dan Greaney & Allen Glazier
Aired: 11th Jan, 2004


The KnockaHomer Remote Control
    O
    |
    |
   / \
---------
|  GO   | 
|  --   |
| /  \  |
| \__/  |
|       |
| STOP  |
|  --   |
| /  \  |
| \__/  |
|_______|

Did you notice:
The bullets from Chief Wiggum's robot's gun hit Homer twice, on the side of the neck and on his arm?
Frink's son copying what Frink does?
The objects sticking in Homer's head are: Tweezers, a syringe, a small pair of scissors and a plaster?

Goofs:
The magnet appears out of nowhere.
The platform where the challengers stand is low enough for Homer to smash the remote control, but is too high in other scenes.


Chalkboard: None due to shortened intro.
Couch: A giant cake is in front of the TV. Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie shapes are iced on one by one.

% Milhouse runs down an alley holding a box. "Bart! I've got it!" he yells as he runs into a garden.
% Dodging two sprinklers, he jumps onto a fence and climbs on a clothes line, avoiding a dog.
% He soon arrives at the Simpson house and runs towards the door.

Milhouse: I ran here as fast as I-- (Homer opens the door which catches him on the head, sending him falling back on the path.)
Homer: Bart! That creepy kid is here. (Homer steps over Milhouse, gets in the car and drives off.)
-- All that running for nothing!, I, D'oh-bot

Four hours later, Milhouse is still lying on the path being watched by encircling vultures. Bart opens the door.

Bart: Hey, Milhouse! Oh, what's this? Psycho Cycle Conversion Kit? Oh wow, this'll look great on my bike!

% Moments later, the bike is ready. Bart and Milhouse walk up to it.

Bart: Flame decal for the chain guard, marine core tassles, bullet proof seat and a rub on tattoo for that special someone.
Milhouse: That's me! (He puts on the tattoo.) Biker chick? Aww!
-- What, you don't like it? I, D'oh-Bot

% Bart rides the bike along the road with Milhouse sitting behind. "Now to turn on the motor mimic," Bart says and does so. Nearby, Chief Wiggum and Lou hear them.

Wiggum: Sounds like a motorcycle gang, and we don't have backup! We'd better lay low. (He puts a pizza board over the car's lights.)
Lou: But chief, what if they like pizza?
Wiggum: Way ahead of you, Lou! (He puts a "Dominoe's Pizza" sticker over the Springfield Police logo on the car.)

% Bart and Milhouse ride past Ned Flanders, pulling Rod and Todd along in a cart.
Ned: That is one bitchin' bike.
Rod: Daddy said a cuss word!
Ned: Lighten up, Roddy!
-- But Daddy said a cuss word!, I, D'oh-Bot

% A group of bullies ride up to the boys and circle around them.
Nelson: Ha-ha! It's the baby bike brigade!
Dolph: Hey Bart, I used to have a bike like that. Back before I was born!
Milhouse: Oh no, they've got big boy bikes.
% Kearney takes the tassles off the bike.
Thanks for the tassles. My mom can wear these on her boobs at work.
-- I, D'oh-bot

% The bullies start riding off, laughing.

Bart: Hey! Give those back!

% Bart rides after them. They encounter a steep hill. "Gentlemen, first gear." Jimbo says, and the bullies switch their gears. They speed off up the hill leaving Bart behind. Bart strains to make the bike go further, but gives up.
Oh man, I sure wish I had a ten speed bike...
--Bart, I, D'oh-Bot

%Back at the Simpson house, Homer is on the couch with Bart.

Homer: A ten speed bike? What did your mother say?
Bart: She said yes.
Marge (from kitchen): I said no!
Homer: I'm confused! Which is it?
Marge: It's no! His old bike is fine.
Homer: Yeah, the kitchen lady's right. No new bike while your old one still works.
Bart: I see. So if my old bike didn't work, I would automatically get a new one?
Homer: That's right. No questions asked!
% Bart laughs and walks off.
-- But what did the kitchen lady say about that? I, D'oh-Bot

% Bart hides behind a wall with his old bike, looking at passing cars.
Bart: Boy, I'm gonna miss you. We've really had some great...Ooh, a Mercedes!
% Bart pushes the bike into the road, and it hits Dr. Hibbert's car. Bart cheers "Yes!"

% Bart kneels in front of his mangled bike.
Bart: My bike! My crappy, crappy bike!
Dr. Hibbert: I'm very sorry Bart, I'll pay for a new bike.
% Dr.Hibbert gets back into his car as Bart laughs.
-- I thought you liked that crappy crappy bike, I, D'oh-Bot

Dr. Hibbert: This is a wake up call. From now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my "Kool & the Gang" air freshner. Celebration's over boys.
% He puts the air freshner down and starts driving off. A crash and a miaow is heard. Lisa runs out and shouts "Snowball!"
-- What did we say about that air freshner again? I, D'oh Bot

Lisa cries at Snowball II's grave.
Lisa: Snowball II, I can't believe you've gone. I wrote this poem for you - it's called "Cat Math". Four paws, plus one tail, plus nine lives equals one special cat. One special cat. One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad...little girl...
% She starts to cry. "I know how you feel Lis, no kid wants to outlive their pet." Bart says, and Lisa hugs him. Marge kneels down to comfort Lisa.
Marge: Oh, sweetie, when I was your age I lost my guinea pig Cinnamon. And I thought the pain would never-- (she gasps) Oh, Cinnamon! It should have been me who chewed through that extension cord!
Homer: There there. You're both right. (he nods to Santa's Little Helper, who pushes earth over Snowball II's grave.)
--I, D'oh-Bot

Later, Homer and Bart are at "Vicious Cycle".
Homer: Son, would you like to ride your new bike out of the store?
Bart: Can I? For true?
Homer: For true, son.
% Bart starts pushing a bike out of the store, but the clerk (the Sarcastic Man) stops him.
Sarcastic Man: Hey pally, I don't want to downship your enthusiasm but that's a floor model. Your bike is in here. (he shows Homer and Bart a box). I could put it together right now for a small assembly fee...
Homer: Here we go, now it starts with a fee! (he grabs the box.) I'll assemble it myself.
Bart: Dad, no! Think of the bike!
Homer: I can make a bike! I made you.
Bart: Yeah, great workmanship. (He bends his arm backwards.)
Homer: Hey, come on, that's gonna win you a lot of bar bets some day!
-- Yeah, being double jointed does have its advantages! I, D'oh-Bot

% In the Simpsons Basement, Homer tips the bike parts out of the box.
Homer: Man, this is so confusing! (he picks up a wheel.)
What the hell is this? Aww!

% The next day, Bart walks down the stairs and notices a bike shaped figure with a cover over it. He gasps and reveals the cover - but it's actually Homer, who tells him the bike's behind him. Bart jumps on the bike.
Bart: You actually did it. You're the coolest, Dad!
Homer: Heh heh heh...(he falls back asleep)
--The hard working dad, I, D'oh-Bot

% Bart rides the bike up to the bullies.

Bart: Look what my dad just bought me!
The bullies are impressed. Bart rides in front of them. Bart: Hey guys! This butt's for you! (he drops his pyjamas and moons them)
Kearney: Oh no!
Dolph: No one does this to Dolph! No one!
% Bart laughs, but it's short lived as the front wheel snaps off. Next come the handlebars, front bars, pedals and seat, leaving just one wheel and a bar for Bart to cling on to.
I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream!
--Bart, I, D'oh-Bot

% The rest of the bike falls apart, and Bart crashes down, eventually lying on the road with his butt sticking out. "Ha ha! Your dad's not handy!" Nelson cries as the bullies ride past.
% Homer runs up.
Homer: Son! Are you okay? I brought a home made first aid kit. It's spring loaded for quick access.
% Homer opens the kit, and several instruments fly into his head. Homer runs around screaming as Bart groans.
-- If it isn't one thing, 'tis another, I, D'oh-Bot

[End of act 1. Time: 5:50]

% Later, Bart is on the couch watching Robot Rumble. A robot named "Chop screwy" flies around another robot with large legs, and cuts them all. The robot comes crashing down, and a father and son cheer.
Announcer 1:: Congratulations to our winning father and son team, who will recieve a free appetizer at fuzzy zeller's green jacket steak house.
(Homer walks in, and sits down. Bart moves further along the couch.)
Announcer 2:: And you won't be cheesed off when you come in, because our steaks are cooked to par-fection, our liedabar is filled with scrumptious...2 more pages? I'm not readin' this! (throws down a script)

Homer: Hey boy, what do you say we build a robot?
Bart: Face it, you're not the most mechanical guy in the world. But you're good at other things like...eating while driving! That's something! And nobody gets madder at the news.
Homer: First of all, thank you. And secondly...(notices Bart walking out) my son thinks I'm an oaf.
-- You only just found that out? I, D'oh-Bot

% Meanwhile, Lisa and Marge are at the Springfield Animal Shelter.
Lisa: Mom, I'm not sure I'm ready for a new cat.
Marge (reading from a book): When bad things happen to cute children, it says that a new pet will pull you out of your sorrow cycle.
Lisa: That book doesn't know how I feel!
Marge: Oh, it's very wise. It's written by a Rabbi...who surfs! (shows Lisa)
Lisa: Oh, alright...I'll look. (she walks past several cages) Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck up, infected eye, clearly a skunk..(she gasps) Me-ow!
% Lisa picks up a small brown cat and hugs it.
Lisa: Welcome to the family, Snowball III!
-- Carrying on the tradition, I, D'oh-Bot

Meanwhile, Homer returns to the basement.
Homer: There's nothing worse than the look on a boy's face when he says 'Dad, I don't think you can build a fully functional robot.'.

% Homer gets a welder and ignites it. Flames fly into his face. He changes the welder and ignites it again, and it happens once more with a bigger blast of flames (Luckily he's wearing a face mask!). Homer starts to build the robot.
% Homer's robot is finished. "Robot, I command you. Do something cool!" he says and presses the button. The robot starts to raise its arm, then shakes. It partially collapses, throws its head towards Homer which narrowly misses him, then collapses into a heap.
-- I think that's cool, I, D'oh-Bot

Homer: Aw! I could quit now, but my son would never look up to me! Oh, why was I born a dad? (he starts smashing the pieces.) Why...Do...I...Suck! Wait a minute, what is it my Dad always said to me?
Grampa (in thought bubble): If ya can't build a robot, be a robot!
Homer: That's it! (starts affixing the pieces again)
--Not one of Grampa's better ideas, I, D'oh-Bot

% The next day, Bart is asleep. Bart's Krusty alarm clock starts up. "Hoo hoo heh! It's tuesday the first! If you live in Krusty Brand low income housing, your rent is due!"
% Bart yawns, then screams when he notices a large red robot in his room, with three wheels, holding a mallet.
Bart reads a note on the robot. "Dear Bart, if this robot doesn't prove I love you, you can both go to hell."
Bart stamps his foot on the floor.
Bart: Hey! it didn't fall apart!
-- Bart tests the robot, I, D'oh-Bot

% He picks up a remote control, with two buttons, "GO" and "STOP". He presses the go button. The robot starts trundling around the room, swinging the mallet around. "Cool!" Bart exclaims. "Now, stop." The robot slows to a halt. Bart cheers and runs out, returning with a six pack of beer. "Smash this sixpack!" Bart commands and presses go. The robot does so, and beer sprays over Bart. "Awesome! I gotta tell Milhouse!" the boy says and runs off.

Homer steps out from inside the robot.
Homer: Oh, the beer's gone! I'll have to suck it out of the shag. (does so, stops and looks around, then does it again)
-- Wasted beer is truly a bad thing, "I, D'oh-Bot"

Meanwhile, Lisa is about to feed Snowball III.

Lisa (singing): # you pop the cat food down, you throw the tin can out, you drop the worm pills in and stir it all about...#
The cat is trying to get to the Simpsons' fish by balancing on the edge of the tank and putting its paw in the water.
Lisa: #You add a lot of lovin' and you serve it to your cat, that's what it's all a--# Snowball III? (the cat has drowned in the water. Lisa gasps.)
-- I, D'oh-Bot

Lisa is at Snowball III's grave with the family, crying.
Marge: Oh, Lisa...honey, it's OK. You're a Buddhist, so you know your cats are reincarnated as a higher form of life.
Homer: Like a dog, or a snowman.
Bart: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...we gotta go fight some robots!

% Bart is at the Robot Rumble studios.
Bart: C'mon, Homer...how long does it take to go to the bathroom?
% The Knockahomer rolls up to Bart, with a note on the mallet. Bart reads it.
Bart: Dear Bart...
(Homer's voice): I'd love to be with you, but an old army buddy has come to town. Will meet you later. Love, dad.
Bart: Well...I wish Homer was here. But don't worry, I've got a name all picked out for you. (Bart puts a ring of feathers on the KnockaHomer.) Chief KnockaHomer, let's win this one for dad! (KnockaHomer starts moving forward)
Homer (in robot): Bleep bloop bleep bloop bleep bleep bleep bloop bloop!
-- Bleep bleep...er...bloop, I, D'oh-Bot

Announcer 1:: In this corner, operated by Frank Murray and little frankie junior, Buzz Kill. (the father and son team reveal a robot armed with a large circular saw.)
Announcer 1:: And in this corner, the challenger - Chief Knockahomer!
Announcer 2:: There's no love lost between these emotionless devices.
-- Well, not yet anyway, I, D'oh-Bot

% "Robot rumble!" Buzz kill drives into the arena, brandishing its large saw. The Knockahomer squeaks in, swinging its mallet around. "Go! Go! Go!" Bart says, pressing the remote control. Knockahomer swings the mallet, hitting Buzz Kill's saw, but doing no damage.
Moe is in the audience.
Moe: Go! Go! Oh geez, I'm the only one in the audience over fifteen.
Squeaky voiced teen: Are you hear with your children, sir?
Moe: Uh, yeah, my two kids (holds up his fists) Screw and You. (kisses them)
-- That's the spirit! I, D'oh-Bot

% Back in the arena, Buzz Kill extends its saw. It starts sawing right into KnockaHomer's arm, inadvertedly sawing Homer too. Inside, Homer screams in pain.

Announcer: What's this? KnockaHomer has dropped his hammer!
Homer: Ow!! (nurses his arm) Doin' it for the boy. Doin' it for the boy. Pain is love. To bleed is to... care...
% As Homer struggles to pick up his hammer, Buzz Kill slowly advances. One of the announcers says "Can robots feel pain? If so, we are horrible, horrible people."
Bart frantically presses the button. The other team go for the final hit. Buzz Kill extends its saw, but KnockaHomer grabs the handle and forces the saw back, making the robot cut itself.
Announcer 1:: He's killing him softly with his saw.
Announcer 2:: Killing him softly?
Announcer 1:: With his saw!
% Eventually, Buzz Kill falls apart. KnockaHomer swings the saw around in celebration.
Woohoo! I mean...beep beep! -- Homer, I, D'oh-Bot

Meanwhile, Lisa is back at the Animal Shelter.
Lisa: Mom, I'm not sure I'm ready to open my heart again. But this kitten's name is Coltrane! Maybe it's a sign.
Marge: Coltrane? Lisa, I'm glad you're ready to love again, but a kitty needs a proper name like Whiskers or Pawscase.
Lisa: Well, I think it's only fair I get to name him. You got to name me. (Lisa pets the cat.)
Marge: You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you Bartzena!
-- He liked Bart too much, I, D'oh-Bot

At home, Lisa writes Coltrane's name on his bowl.
Lisa: Coltrane, would you like to listen to some music written by your namesake?
% Lisa starts playing the sax, but Coltrane is scared and leaps out the window.
Lisa: Coltrane!

Another grave has been put up, this time for Coltrane.
Lisa: Coltrane, you were with us only briefly, but we'll always have the ride home from the shelter. And, um...I guess that's it. Amen.
Marge: And Lord, if you think I'm making lemon bars for your bake sale Sunday, you'd better stop killing our cats!
Lisa: Mom, I'm not sure God responds to threats and imitation.
Marge: It's the only way to talk to bullies.
-- You tell 'im! I, D'oh Bot

% At the kitchen table, the Simpsons are eating dinner with Homer with bandages on his arm, and Grampa.
Bart: Then, KnockaHomer did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer.
Homer: Heh heh heh, pretended.
Lisa: Dad, what are all those cuts?
Homer: Various bug bites and wounds. Now, stop interrupting your brother!
Grampa: (gets up) In my day, mechanical men had funnel hats and showed respect! Then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories.
-- And they're still doing it today, I, D'oh-Bot

% Back in the Robot rumble arena, KnockaHomer is battling the "Murderpuss", Rev and Jessica Lovejoy's robot. The Murderpuss starts pummeling KnockaHomer with it's many boxing gloves. KnockaHomer squeaks around and smashes Jessica's remote control, rendering the Murderpuss useless. It falls over and Team KnockaHomer wins. Bart runs up to the KnockaHomer and hugs the robot. Chief and Ralph Wiggum's robot is next, the "Ralph-o-Cop", armed with a gun. It fires at the KnockaHomer several times, but Homer grabs the gun and fires at the Ralph-o-Cop. It falls over, but Homer still keeps firing.

Announcer 2:: Well, if you wanna see a mailbox shoot a boy, that's as close as you're gonna get.
-- Don't give anyone any ideas, I, D'oh-Bot

% In the Robot Repair Room, Homer is polishing the KnockaHomer. Bart walks through the door.
Bart: Dad, it was so great! KnockaHomer really took a pounding, but then he won! (he runs up and hugs Homer)
Homer: Ooh! Not so rough, Bart. Daddy can't handle so much love right now.
Bart: This robot's the greatest thing you've ever done for me. I can't believe you've never seen him fight!
Homer: Well I've been busy, son...they really need me over at the nuclear plank.
Bart: Well the next match is Saturday, can you come then?
Homer: I don't think so, son...but on the other hand, I may be closer than you think. (puts his arm around the KnockaHomer and winks. He turns around) Ooh, so much metal in my eye...
-- Parental love does have its setbacks, I, D'oh-Bot

Announcer 2:: Ladies and gentlemen...ah, who am I kidding? Just gentlemen...join us next week for our title bout, where KnockaHomer will try to defeaat five times running champion "Smashius Clay", AKA "Killhammed Aieee"!

Professor Frink is standing next to his son. His son operates a control panel, and a huge walking robot steps out of a plume of smoke. It blasts two holes in the wall, sending the audience running. Although, Bart is unimpressed.
Bart: Our robot can kick that robot's ass, right dad?
(Homer shakes in terror)
Bart: Dad?
Homer: Oh no, my recurring nightmare is coming true! (thinks of an awards ceremony, where Homer has won)
Homer (in thought bubble): There are many people I'd like to thank for this award, my wife Angelica Houston. This is for you, Angie! We did it!
(a huge robot steps over Homer)
Robot: Speeches can be no longer than thirty seconds! (zaps Homer into a pile of dust) Now, a tribute to those who have left us in the past year...(Homer's photo and name appears on a screen)
(back to reality, Homer makes frightened whimpers)
--At least it didn't hurt, I, D'oh-Bot

[End of act 2. Time: 15:04]

Later, on TV, the Terminator robot is walking through the arena. Killhammed Aieee flattens it, opens a hatch, throws the crushed robot into itself and makes a trophy.

Bart: Sure he's tough, but he's never come up against a wooden mallet.
(On TV, the Frink team cheer.)
Homer: Listen son, there's something I have to tell you about our robot...
(The doorbell rings and the bullies enter)
Kearney: There it is! The thing that makes us respect Bart.
The bullies are impressed.
Bart: You guys are just in time! My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot. (Bart and the bullies sit down in front of Homer)
Homer: Uh...I...just installed a chip that makes it ten percent more bloodthirsty!
(Everyone cheers)
Homer: And if anything happens to me, I want you bullies to take care of my boy.
Kearney: Don't worry, I'll raise him like the mean streets raised me.
Homer: I wish I had bullies like you growing up. (they all hug)
--One less thing to worry about, I, D'oh-Bot

% Meanwhile, Lisa and Marge are at the Animal Shelter again.
Worker: Hey, hey! These cats would rather take their chances in the back room than go home with you. (Lisa and Marge sadly walk out as the cats hiss and spit at them).

Later, Marge and Homer are in bed.
Marge: My job was to keep Lisa's hope alive, but instead she's really depressed.
Homer: You think you've got problems? Look what I just pulled out of my arm! (he shows a large, sharp shard of metal to Marge. Marge gasps.)
Homer: That's what we in the business call, "a biggie"!
Marge: Business? What business?
Homer: The business of being a dad. Can you hand me that magnet?
Marge: Sure.
% Homer sweeps the magnet over his torso, and it picks up various small metal objects out of his skin. "Can you do my back?" he asks.
-- The amazing health benefits of magnets, I, D'oh-Bot

Meanwhile, Lisa sits alone on the Simpsons front step.
Lisa: I guess I'm not meant to own a cat. I'm much happier petting this leaf..
% A shadow falls over Lisa. She gasps. The camera pans to reveal the shadow, walking to Lisa in front of the sunset, looks like an angel advancing towards her. Lisa strains to see who it is. It turns out to be who else but the Crazy Cat Lady!

% She throws a black cat at Lisa, who looks exactly like the old Snowball II.
Lisa: Wait, you don't want me to have this cat!
(The Crazy Cat Lady staggers off down the street, talking gibberish)
Lisa: Look, you don't want to get involved with a girl like me. My cats have a nasty habit of wakin' up dead.
(The cat looks sad at Lisa)
Lisa: Now go. Cough me out of your life like a bad furball.
% The cat sadly starts to walk away. It walks into the road - right in the way of a car. Luckily, the car swerves away just in time, hits a tree and catches fire, as the cat watches.)
-- A narrow miss, but not for the car, I, D'oh-Bot

% Lisa gasps.
Lisa: You're not hurt! You're a good luck kitty!
Gil smashes the window and clambers out from the car.
Gil: Gah...all right! Gil's gonna collect big from insurance! I'll be eating food tonight! (starts singing and dancing) Da da da da, ya da da da da...
Lisa kneels next to the cat. An explosion is heard.
Lisa: I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
(Skinner walks past)
Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
Lisa: I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
Skinner: I'll...just be moving along. Lisa. Snowball II.
(Lisa hugs Snowball II as the cat licks her arm. Another explosion is heard, but that doesn't stop them.)
-- Maybe that IS the old Snowball II, I, D'oh-Bot

In the Robot Rumble building, Bart is preparing the KnockaHomer.
Bart: Okay, I've been studying Frink's robot and I've discovered he has one small weak spot.
(Prof. Frink and his son affix a new part to the robot.)
Bart: Oh no, his weak spot is now his strongest point.
Homer (in KnockaHomer): Awww!
Bart: That moan sounded almost human!
Homer: The hell it did!
-- That moan sounded almost Homer!, I, D'oh-Bot

% Bart turns around, shocked, but before he can say anything else, the KnockaHomer is dropped into the arena.
KnockaHomer and Killhammed Aieee face each other- Frink's robot is much bigger than Homer. Homer swings the mallet around as fast as he can and hits Killhammed, but it does nothing. Killhammed picks up the KnockaHomer and begins shaking it hard. The bell is heard, and Homer is relieved he came out almost unscathed - until Killhammed throws the KnockaHomer into one of the walls.
"End of round one. two hundered and thirty rounds to go!" the announcers say. Homer is dazed and woozily sings "That's my boy" as he trundles into the box with Bart.
-- Poor old Homer takes another pummeling, I, D'oh-Bot

Bart: You look a little sluggish out there, boy. I'd better open you up.
% Bart opens up the back of the robot and sees Homer's butt sticking out.
Bart: (gasp) Dad?
Homer: Bart, I'm sorry. I could never build a robot this awesome. I'm a fraud!
Bart: So you fought all those robots!
Homer: Affirmative.
Bart: That is so cool!
Homer: You really think so?
Bart: Yeah! Any poindexter could throw some nuts and bolts together, but you risked your own life!
(Homer smiles in relief.)
Bart: Even though you're the sole provider for a family of five! I am the luckiest kid in the world!
Homer: And I'm the luckiest--(Killhammed Aieee grabs the KnockaHomer)
-- I, D'oh-Bot

% "Round two!" (He drops it on the floor and is about to step on it.) "Oh no! Dad!" Bart says, and Killhammed steps on KnockaHomer, making Homer burst out of one end. The audience gasps.
Mel: That robot has given birth to a man!
Homer notices the robot has stopped.
Homer: Hey, what gives? He's not killing me!
(Frink and his son walk on)
Frink: Ah-I'll tell you what gives, I'm afraid he is subject to Issac Asamac's laws of robotics, with the sci-fi, and the so many books, not too many good, my robot is programmed never to harm humans, you see, only to serve them.
-- Frink gives a speech, I, D'oh-Bot

% The robot picks up the started Homer and cleans him using a small brush. A seat appears, and the robot sits Homer on the seat. The robot then shakes up a martini for Homer.
Homer: He knows just how I like my martini- full of alcohol!
(Bart runs on, pressing the button)
Bart: Go! Go! Go! Now's your chance!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Bart, All that button ever did was send a mild electric shock up my backside.
Bart: Why did you let it do that? (presses a button, a zap is heard, Homer jumps)
Homer: Keep me focused.
-- Less zappin' more fightin'!, I, D'oh-Bot

Announcer 2:: And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine -- man!
The audience boos.
Announcer 2:: Show me where in the rulebook it says that a human can't be a robot...
Announcer 1:: (with the book) Right here, rule one.
Announcer 2:: Well then...eh...join us next week for more inconclusive action on robot rumble!
Announcer 1:: I concur!
The audience boos again and walks off.
-- That ain't gonna work, I, D'oh-Bot

Homer: Son, did you ever suspect it was me?
Bart: Well, you did disappear a lot, but I've gone whole summers without seeing you.
Homer: Heh heh, yeah...I'm pretty unreliable. I like you, son.
Bart: I like you too, dad. (they hug)
-- Family love, Simpson style, I, D'oh-Bot

[End of act 3. Time: 20:57]

-----

The entire transcript was written by Graham Ditte for Bart the One and Only (http://www.ayecarumba.net) , 2004.

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